sex talk


Nhlalwenhle Ncube

MANY people are suffering in silence because there is this issue which they have concluded that, “It is not open for discussion.”

Unfortunately the same issue they are avoiding, turns out to be the most important part of cultivating a healthy sex life.

When people fall in love, it seems so natural and easy that love making must take place.  Problems then start to arise when one party is not satisfied or having things not done in the way they prefer. It seems most women have got some reservations when it comes to talking about their sex life though they lead in all other talks.

Truth be told, couples who discuss tricky topics, like what’s going down in the bedroom are more likely to have a happy relationship than those who ignore the subjects.  However, too many people would rather put up with an unhappy sex life than have that dreaded conversation. Why are so many people afraid to communicate their sexual needs to their partners?

Conflict communication is always difficult, largely because all the time people want to avoid negative emotions. Tempers get raised and feelings get hurt. Just as we avoid going to the dentist despite a toothache, some avoid talking with their partners about sensitive issues. In so doing, they let problems fester.

These deeper conversations are necessary to make the “glue” that holds you together and create the intimacy people desire in their marriage. It’s critical that you talk about your highs and lows that have been sprinkled throughout your week. These topics may be from outside interactions with others or something specifically between you and your spouse.

It is surprising that even couples who are reasonably good at resolving other types of conflict get stuck when it comes to discussing sexual problems in the relationship. Instead of communicating their preferences and inquiring expectations of their lovers, they choose to rely on cultural scripts which tell them how sex is supposed to play out. When this takes centre stage, each party then keeps his/her fantasies to herself. After some years, the sex life gets boring and not fun at all.

Some people really struggle to bring up the topics that impact their relationship. This is because it taps into their worst fears about being rejected, abandoned or some other dreadful action by the partners. But, like the everyday life topics, it’s not enough to just talk about your thoughts and opinions on the tougher issues. When your partner is reactive or avoidant about broaching one of these subjects it is often indicative of something deeper. Couples must cut through defensiveness, escalated anger or shutting down to discuss their underlying “core” emotions.

It is important to spare some time and discuss your sex issues. Of course, I know most people fear that the conflict discussion will irreparably damage the relationship. In other words, they value their relationships even when they are not happy ones. So they would rather say nothing than risk a conflict that might improve it, but might also tear it apart.

There are some who have chosen to suffer in silence as they fear they will hurt their partner’s feelings. That is to say, they care about their partner’s welfare even when they are not happy with the way their relationship with them is going. Again, they would rather muddle through than make their partner feel uncomfortable, even at a chance of making things better.

At times it is difficult to bring up the issue because you will be the one with some challenges. They then fear to reveal too much about themselves, they worry that their partner will disapprove of them or try to make them feel shame or even vulnerable after getting to know about your shortcomings.

Always make sure you discuss these issues and by so doing you will not be causing any tension, but dealing with problems before they get out of hand. Always remember that the bed is not the right place to start such conversations, but when you are just relaxing and in a good mood. It must not be a blame game, but a problem solver.

Sisters remember that people who have the courage to discuss intimacy issues with their partners are generally happier in their relationships, so go for it and it is not taboo!

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