happy black woman

WOMEN’S FORUM: Resolve for the best

Nhlalwenhle Ncube

SISTERS, it’s a New Year and new things if possible!

Wondering what I mean by the above statement? As you begin 2016 I just want to encourage you to get rid of whatever was taking away your happiness. Resolve that!!!

On this note, I remember one marriage counsellor who said women should not date men for more than six months without formalising the relationship.

Six months, I could not stop thinking about that and I have been asked that question numerous times on how long you should date a person before moving to another level. How long?

I know this is a controversial issue and I tried to get different opinions as I consulted some elders and relationship experts. Please take note that I never got a convincing answer or the best.

Elders told me how they used to do it back then. They believe people should take their time and get to know each other very well and that means nothing less than five years.

When they talked of five years, I just imagined a situation where you date someone for seven years and then you break up. Just think of the time wasted! If it was a baby, she would be at school by then.

Adults had a different perception.

They believe that nowadays people rush into marriage and that is the reason for increase in divorces. Only God knows.

My pastor said six months. It seems too  early to start introducing a person to your family within that short time andto even consider a wedding. The tricky issue is that definitely relatives will ask you how long you have known each other. If you say the truth, believe me, no one will take you seriously. Then the question is, for how long?

Sisters, it therefore seems that it is difficult to really agree on a specific timeline, but the bottom line is that, it should not be rushed nor dragged for long.

There is that indifference which in the end should not be overlooked.

You know it is just as good as if your friend approaches you and asks what she should do with her seven-year-old relationship which does not have ‘direction’. Deep down you will be wanting to tell the person to move on, but the fear that she is madly in love makes it difficult. Anyway, when it comes to love issues, the choice is in your hands!

Steer the ship in a positive informed direction of achievement, that’s coming up with a substantial base for your relationship.

Sisters, you have to know that marriage is one of the important things and it is a life changing endeavour. You have to be absolutely sure that the man in your life is someone you will be happy spending time with day in and day out. Do not settle for anything less than your expectations!

A boyfriend who turns you into a punching bag is a no go area because I believe a person who loves you will never want to see you in pain! Do not be misled by people who will tell you that a loving man beats up his partner, no; we are in the 21st century.

There are also those boyfriends who never spend a dime on their partner, no present or whatever. Never commit to a stingy boyfriend because those are the same men who are later blamed for being irresponsible.

A woman will work hard to fend for the family while he turns a blind eye to all the responsibilities. You will live to regret marrying him, but in actual fact, he would have shown you from the start that he is not a responsible man.

Do not hoodwink yourself into a desperate situation, act up!!! Be in control and decide when it matters the most.

The other important thing is sticking to someone trustworthy. I know love issues are really complicated. Sisters, if your boyfriend cheats on you before you even get married what do you think will happen afterwards. Stop making excuses for them and get real.

A cheating boyfriend is not marriage material. If you tolerate him having other girlfriends then know there are higher chances that tears will be your food in the marriage as they always say, “Ungithande usazi ukuthi ngilamagirlfriends, manje ukhalelani?” Painful, but true!

A great partner should also be loyal. Be sure that it is someone who will stand by you through thick and thin. It should be someone who understands your flaws and all. The loyal part will play its biggest role when the in-laws are becoming too dramatic. Expect that in marriage; of course not all in-laws are dramatic.

Sisters, your partner should respect you. The man whose marriage proposal you accept should be a genuine person who considers you in every situation and will be on your side no matter what.

It should not be the type that will be checking out other women, but will keep his attention focused on you, the woman in his life.

The last two crucial things are great communication and great intimacy.  Great communication is the foundation of relationships. If you are considering making it official by marrying him, you have to feel comfortable discussing anything with him, and I mean anything. The more you communicate with your man, the less likely the two of you will get into arguments because both of you will be able to talk about your problems instead of bottling them in.

The way you relate to each other in the bedroom has a big influence on whether the two of you will stay together after wedding vows are exchanged, so the intimacy between the two of you should be on point.

Never settle for less!

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